is my biggest fear.

I had to get all four of my wisdom teeth taken out early yesterday morning and let me tell you, I was terrified. I wasn’t terrified about the pain, or cutting my mouth open, or bleeding, or swollenness, or the IV, I was trembling in my boots about the anesthesia.

Alot of you know that I am very uncomfortable with my body being in a state that is forced, or unnatural. I am afraid of the effects of alcohol and afraid of the effects of drugs. I steer clear of it not because I have some sort of a serious problem with it, but because it freaks the crap out of me.  I am also afraid of being anesthetized. In my head, it is equivalent to dying.  They stick the IV in your arm, drop some fluid in there, and once it pumps up to your heart, you’re out.

I spent a lot of my past week researching IV sedation, trying to find out exactly what state your body is in when they anesthetize you. Is your body in a state of rest and only sleeping? Or are you actually unconscious? The answer is, you are actually unconscious. The chemical interferes with your brain function in several areas and causes the body to function as if it were dead. You can’t hear anything or dream or THINK anything, and that’s what freaks me out. The fact that you are awake one moment, functioning normally, and the next instant chemicals are pumped through your heart you are instantly gone drives me crazy.

I don’t know why I am so afraid, but I expressed all that to the doctor and he was very clever about putting me out.  He gave me a breather with oxygen to calm me down (my heart was beating so fast it was ridiculous) and then he numbed my arm and placed the IV in. I was shutting my eyes the ENTIRE time because for some reason all the equipment in there was extremely overwhelming for me. I did not want to experience this dying feeling and I was completely opposed to it. However, the surgeon started asking me about where my parents live, and if I live with my parents, and the last thing he asked was if Jack lived with us, and all I remember saying is, “No, he lives on his own” and POW.  Out.  It was the craziest thing to think about afterward.

When I was done, they helped my weak, drunken body into a wheelchair and pushed me to this white area where there was a big white chair and blankets and sat me down and left me there to recover from the anesthesia. I was so drugged up that I did not feel ONE teeny BIT of pain and it was wonderful. However, I thought I was still really nervous because my body was trembling.

Sometimes when I get seriously stressed out, like getting into a really big, emotional argument with someone, being worried or deeply concerned in a problem that may be going on, or even extremely nervous about something, I tend to tremble. And I remember, I was shaking this WHOLE chair. I could not keep my legs and hands to stay still, and I was a little intoxicated and embarrassed so everytime the nurses would walk by I would try not to, solely because there was no reason for me to be that nervous.  However, one nurse DID catch me shaking and she walked in and turned up the meds they were still putting in through the IV. I calmed down for a few minutes but then started shaking again. It was probably one of the strangest feelings I have ever experienced.

I later found out that trembling is a common side effect of anesthesia.

It made me laugh.

Anyway, so Jack took me home and THANK GOD I have Jack because he is absolutely wonderful at taking care of me. I was really proud of him, because he seemed to know exactly what he was doing and he didn’t seem worried or confused about how to help at all.  That put me at ease, because I am one of those people (you probably already know) that get so UPTIGHT about things being done correctly, or efficiently, or safely, or correctly, or responsibly, and CORRECTLY! I follow ALL the instructions and everything has to be in order and perfect or I get abnormally anxious about them. It’s such a crappy trait to carry but it’s the way I am and Jack accepts me for it.  Anyway, I would like to praise Jack for doing such a wonderful job. He brough me everything I needed and helped me take my meds correctly and even was there to comfort me when I had some minor hallucinations. Haha. (I thought there were huge bugs on the TV screen. It was freaky.) And he sat there with me all day watching the 2 seasons of The Secret Life of the American Teenager (my new guilty pleasure) that I bought for me to watch. (Also, don’t make fun of me about this, pretend I didn’t tell you. I love the show and the pregnant 15 year old and her geeky boyfriend who is NOT the dad, and the slutty girl who steals other girls boyfriends and the supernice Christian girl who tries to convert the skank to her church, and it’s all the drama that I never got to experience in high school because I got lucky.  I guess.)

So now it’s 6:30 AM and I can’t sleep because I am experiencing a terrible amount of pain on the right, bottom socket in my mouth. I am very very bloody and it is disgusting, but I am ok and not hallucinating at the moment.  I’m going to try to go back to sleep now. Goodnight.