Anna's Psyche

so i just started this bootcamp thing..

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 10:29:53 -0700

and I have never experienced true physical exhaustion of my body like i have this week.

but it feels so, so good.

My Favorite Effing Animal

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 10:08:00 -0700

Eh

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 10:43:00 -0700

So I haven’t written in a while. It probably has to do with my preoccupation with school and having to work on the computer 24/7 to complete assignments. I’m sick of the computer, and I’m sick of homework. I’ve had a nice little break for the past few days though, because I caught the fantastic pig virus and have been recovering from that all week. I got lucky and only had one sbux shift to cover so I was able to stay home and eat lots and lots of soup. Tomato soup. And… pumpkin seeds. Mmm.

My family has been quarantining me and I am not allowed to touch any food or towels or any sinks except for the downstairs bathroom one. Nobody wants to get sick from me (and trust me, I don’t want them to get sick either it’s awful and eats up your work vacation hours).

Lately I’ve been planning a road trip to Boise, ID and I’m surprised my parents didn’t oppose. The whole idea was for me to split the gas cost with Jack and then have the extra money to shred the gnar on the mountain for that much longer once we got there. I seriously want to poop my pants every time I think about being able to go snowboarding. POOP THEM. I love to snowboard and I love cold weather and I can’t wait to experience that when I go home. Arizona has been so ridiculously warm, and then when it (rarely) gets down to 50 degrees, all the retards here run into Starbucks with scarves and jackets and freaking boots and ask for hot drinks because it’s “so cold.”

WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE.

Then, last night I planned a snowboarding trip with my Sbux friends. Since I was sick and had all day to do nothing better, I did about 3 hours of researching prices and places to stay. Then I was an asshole and sent an effing mean message to everyone in the group about someone’s boyfriend coming which I royally regret. But I apologized to her separately and I think everything’s alright now. I was in such a bad mood yesterday, I was fricken tired of being sick and cooped up in the damn house for four days, and I was irritated at the trip because things were getting expensive and I’m already spending more than you could ever imagine on this Boise excursion. And I was irritated at not making enough money for the things I want to do, and I snapped a Jack a few times because even he got on my nerves about a number of things. Yesterday was awful, I was really mean, and I hope everyone forgives me for it because I was an ass. I just need to get over being sick, and I guarantee the quality of my mood and everyone else’s lives when I’m around them will increase.

I think I’m going to go do the shizload of homework I have waiting for me before I explode because there’s really no objective to this post.

I GET TO COME HOME THIS WINTER!

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 08:20:00 -0700

I GET TO

COME HOME

THIS WINTER!

today is going to be a good day.

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 11:27:30 -0700

today is going to be a good day.

August 30, 2009

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 00:47:53 -0700

Today was just a reminder that I am only human.
I make awful mistakes, and I have a lot to work on.

i’m not really sure where this is going to go, or if things will get better, or if they will...

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 16:36:24 -0700

i’m not really sure where this is going to go, or if things will get better, or if they will get worse. i’m a little out of my element.

LBC!

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 16:59:38 -0700

LBC!

Photo

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 01:32:31 -0700

Los Angeles

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 16:31:49 -0700

Los Angeles

Intrevenous Sedation

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 06:43:39 -0700

is my biggest fear.

I had to get all four of my wisdom teeth taken out early yesterday morning and let me tell you, I was terrified. I wasn’t terrified about the pain, or cutting my mouth open, or bleeding, or swollenness, or the IV, I was trembling in my boots about the anesthesia.

Alot of you know that I am very uncomfortable with my body being in a state that is forced, or unnatural. I am afraid of the effects of alcohol and afraid of the effects of drugs. I steer clear of it not because I have some sort of a serious problem with it, but because it freaks the crap out of me. I am also afraid of being anesthetized. In my head, it is equivalent to dying. They stick the IV in your arm, drop some fluid in there, and once it pumps up to your heart, you’re out.

I spent a lot of my past week researching IV sedation, trying to find out exactly what state your body is in when they anesthetize you. Is your body in a state of rest and only sleeping? Or are you actually unconscious? The answer is, you are actually unconscious. The chemical interferes with your brain function in several areas and causes the body to function as if it were dead. You can’t hear anything or dream or THINK anything, and that’s what freaks me out. The fact that you are awake one moment, functioning normally, and the next instant chemicals are pumped through your heart you are instantly gone drives me crazy.

I don’t know why I am so afraid, but I expressed all that to the doctor and he was very clever about putting me out. He gave me a breather with oxygen to calm me down (my heart was beating so fast it was ridiculous) and then he numbed my arm and placed the IV in. I was shutting my eyes the ENTIRE time because for some reason all the equipment in there was extremely overwhelming for me. I did not want to experience this dying feeling and I was completely opposed to it. However, the surgeon started asking me about where my parents live, and if I live with my parents, and the last thing he asked was if Jack lived with us, and all I remember saying is, “No, he lives on his own” and POW. Out. It was the craziest thing to think about afterward.

When I was done, they helped my weak, drunken body into a wheelchair and pushed me to this white area where there was a big white chair and blankets and sat me down and left me there to recover from the anesthesia. I was so drugged up that I did not feel ONE teeny BIT of pain and it was wonderful. However, I thought I was still really nervous because my body was trembling.

Sometimes when I get seriously stressed out, like getting into a really big, emotional argument with someone, being worried or deeply concerned in a problem that may be going on, or even extremely nervous about something, I tend to tremble. And I remember, I was shaking this WHOLE chair. I could not keep my legs and hands to stay still, and I was a little intoxicated and embarrassed so everytime the nurses would walk by I would try not to, solely because there was no reason for me to be that nervous. However, one nurse DID catch me shaking and she walked in and turned up the meds they were still putting in through the IV. I calmed down for a few minutes but then started shaking again. It was probably one of the strangest feelings I have ever experienced.

I later found out that trembling is a common side effect of anesthesia.

It made me laugh.

Anyway, so Jack took me home and THANK GOD I have Jack because he is absolutely wonderful at taking care of me. I was really proud of him, because he seemed to know exactly what he was doing and he didn’t seem worried or confused about how to help at all. That put me at ease, because I am one of those people (you probably already know) that get so UPTIGHT about things being done correctly, or efficiently, or safely, or correctly, or responsibly, and CORRECTLY! I follow ALL the instructions and everything has to be in order and perfect or I get abnormally anxious about them. It’s such a crappy trait to carry but it’s the way I am and Jack accepts me for it. Anyway, I would like to praise Jack for doing such a wonderful job. He brough me everything I needed and helped me take my meds correctly and even was there to comfort me when I had some minor hallucinations. Haha. (I thought there were huge bugs on the TV screen. It was freaky.) And he sat there with me all day watching the 2 seasons of The Secret Life of the American Teenager (my new guilty pleasure) that I bought for me to watch. (Also, don’t make fun of me about this, pretend I didn’t tell you. I love the show and the pregnant 15 year old and her geeky boyfriend who is NOT the dad, and the slutty girl who steals other girls boyfriends and the supernice Christian girl who tries to convert the skank to her church, and it’s all the drama that I never got to experience in high school because I got lucky. I guess.)

So now it’s 6:30 AM and I can’t sleep because I am experiencing a terrible amount of pain on the right, bottom socket in my mouth. I am very very bloody and it is disgusting, but I am ok and not hallucinating at the moment. I’m going to try to go back to sleep now. Goodnight.

Best one I’ve seen yet.

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 07:38:47 -0700

Best one I’ve seen yet.

Have a listen: Minus the Bear - Absinthe Party at the Fly Honey...

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 00:07:31 -0700

Have a listen:

Minus the Bear - Absinthe Party at the Fly Honey Warehouse

I'm really not this big of a baby..

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 22:44:49 -0700

Yesterday was probably the worst day I’ve had in a while.

I went to work around 11am to listen to the review my manager had to give me. It was quite shitty and I was really disappointed, however I don’t expect much from her so when I asked, “how can I improve on each of these things?” and she said, “you can’t, really. there’s nothing you can really do better but I had to give you that [shitty!] score,” I was not surprised.

BUT! I didn’t let it get me down. 20 minutes later, I was scheduled for an orthodontist consultation because my teeth have been de-straightening due to a poorly made retainer my previous orthodontist gave me when i got my braces taken off in the 7th grade. On top of that, my wisdom teeth have been causing me trouble and are slanted at a 45 degree angle toward the front of my mouth. They are shoving all my teeth forward and jumbling them up in the front. The whole thing seemed very minor because you couldn’t really see the damage from looking at me but when I got it all checked out by the doctor apparently it was worse than I thought.

So I explain that I want something less visible, like Invisalign, to help push the teeth back to normal, but the doctor says I can only have traditional braces due to the specificity of my tooth problem. I was really upset by this because I absolutely DID NOT want to have braces again, after having them in middle school already. I was also upset because I didn’t think my teeth would be THAT bad, or as bad as he said they were.

Now, ok, I knew I was going to have to go through with all of this, so I’m in the consultation room scheduling appointments with this beautiful brazilian lady who was actually a lot of fun. I had to explain that my parents’ dental insurance cuts me off of orthodontic treatment once I turn 19 (in 4 months. wow, I didn’t realize how soon that actually is.) So brazilian lady is trying to tell me that we should schedule an appointment to get the braces on SOON in order to get the maximum amount of money from the insurance, which makes total sense. So I tell her that I need to call my mum and share all this information with her before I go and get myself treated for $2,000 worth of dental work. As soon as I get off the phone, brazilian lady BARGES in the door and says, “WE CAN SCHEDULE YOU FOR TODAY!”

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

“YES! TODAY BECAUSE THEN WE CAN BILL THE INSURANCE RIGHT NOW!”

OMG. I’m thinking this is happening waaaay too quickly, but it’s a busy month so I guess I’m going to have to just sit my butt in that chair and get it over with.

So I give her the ok, and the brazilian goes crazy because for some reason she is just so excited for me.

I don’t know what the HELL I was thinking because I didn’t even have TIME to think. It happened so quickly, by the end of the hour they transformed my beautiful teeth into beasts. I look like a fourteen year old again. Maybe even twelve. It’s awful!

So I get in the car and really get a look at all that metal and all I can think to do is cry. So I cried. All the way home. Now, I do this whenever I go through any physical change even as simple as a new haircut.. so the crying was nothing abnormal. I got home, took a nap, got in the shower and headed off to go to Brittannie’s birthday dinner at Zinburger. I was still extremely emotional and sensitive about getting braces, looking like a middle schooler, and having everyone that I know look at me like that. Not to mention I was suffering from excrutiating pain because my teeth were already starting to move. So I walk up to the table where everyone was meeting at and Ryan and Julie catch a glimpse of my mouth. Ryan was the first to see something which caused Julie to put her full attention towards finding out what I had done to my mouth, and as soon as I said something and she caught that glimpse of metal she shreiked and said “OH MY GOD!”

Then Brittannie gets up (either to find out what the commotion is about or to say hi) and she gives me a hug and asks me what’s wrong (while, I believe someone in the background was saying something about me and braces). Now, none of this would’ve mattered if I was not so sensitive about my teeth and emotional about the events of the day, but all that commotion amounted to me busting out crying in front of Brittannie and everyone at her birthday dinner. I was so embarrassed. I kept saying to Brittannie that I looked so stupid and she kept telling me that it was ok and that I looked beautiful. She was so nice and so genuine about it and the fact that she cared made me get even more upset.

Agh, moving on. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and get cleaned up and didn’t really talk for the rest of the night because I was still emotional, couldn’t eat my food because of the pain, and was a little embarrassed at the unintentional drama I brought to the table. It was not a good night.

So I went home and cried some more, watched TV and cried, Jack came over and I cried to him too, and it was just a huge pity party because I was so ridiculously emotional about the whole sequence of events. (I’m really not this big of a baby.) Taking all monthly feminine issues into account, adding on the throbbing of my gums, multiplying that by having to show everyone my awful teeth, and the embarrassment of causing a scene in front of everyone was really overwhelming for me so I just continued to sob until I was tired enough to finally fall asleep.

Anyway, that was yesterday and everything is a little better today. I only ended up crying one more time because my orthodontist treated me like a 6 year old when I called the office today to ask them a serious question about some abnormal nerve sensitivity I have been experiencing in my teeth. Without me getting vicious and explaining the whole story, he was not at all helpful or understanding even though I KNOW that I am NOT crazy. But it’s all over and I didn’t get upset today at work, I am just a little hesitant to smile. Idk how I’ll feel about it in a couple of weeks but hopefully I’ll grow accustomed to them. It’ll be another 8 months until they take them off.

Due to my love of music, I had to share this phenomenon. It is...

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 00:35:10 -0700

Due to my love of music, I had to share this phenomenon. It is SO cool!

just a pinch of frustration

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 02:14:20 -0700

I’m feeling slightly enraged at the moment. I feel like this week was so damn packed working around everyone’s schedules to find the best time for everything, and on top of that registering for this upcoming school semester and creating a good, compatible-with-starbucks, not-too-early-in-the-morning school schedule. Boy that was a bitch.

Pima didn’t even have any of my Digital Arts classes that i NEED for my degree available this semester. (Not like my degree has been pushed back enough already !!!!!!!!!!!!) Thank you PCC. I appreciate the costly $800 inconvenience. Also, the damn schedule took THREE DAYS FOR ME TO CREATE. THREE DAYS!!!!!!

Also, I had 90 million people that I wanted to hang out with, and some of them didn’t have cars. ONE of them doesn’t even KNOW how to drive, and on top of that I didn’t have a car either. The most convenient time I could get a ride was from Aubrie if she wasn’t working, or by Jack IF his dad even let him use the van.

I used this retarded little brown book that I bought from Starbucks 2 semesters ago to plan out each day. The book is like a 08’09’ weekly planner and I used to write my homework in it until I got lazy. Since it has summer dates, I took the stupid thing with me to Idaho so I could make the most of my time and work around the times that others’ had available.

I got some schedules to work with starting Saturday and I planned out my week from there until the day I have to leave (tomorrow). It was crazy! Here are some of the things I did (because I know how much you seriously care about what I did this week):

Wednesday: Arrived, bought some food for the week, then went to bed.

Thursday: Floated the river with Chelsea, Aubrie, and some HSCS/BHS friends. It was a load of adventure because our boats either deflated, popped, or capsized, and most of everyone’s belongings got lost. Also, Travis was wounded in a river battle.

Friday: Went to coffee in the morning with Aubz and Chels, then went to the mall to shop for a dress to wear to the wedding.

Saturday: Experimented with class schedules and did some research on what I classes were available/what I wanted to take. Then Jamie & Kyle’s wedding! It was so awesome, and I got to see all my old Tully’s friends.

Sunday: PACKED day. I spent my morning looking up more classes and trying to fit more times together to make a convenient school schedule. I failed again. Then Jack came into town and immediately after we had to meet at Starbucks to see Sara before she went out of town for her church camp. It was quite the rush since it was the only day we could see her, but we ended up having a good hour or so of needed conversation (I will miss her!) Right after that Jack and I sped back home to quickly eat Deena’s lasagna and then head over to Heather’s house to say hi to their family and play the Wii American Idol. It was tons of fun and we had good cake, but I wish we got to spend more time with Heather!

Monday: Called around all damn morning to find the least expensive place to get a pedicure but that plan failed. Spent more time trying to find something to do/worked on my school schedule, and ended up just floating the river with Jack and the guys. Jack and I got in a ridiculous argument and I ended up crying on the river (haha. it’s funny to think about now, but it was NOT funny then.) I was in a bad mood, but we quickly went to Red Robin to grab some food with Dillon and Kyle and in the mean time Chelsea got in a car accident (I hope her car is ok) and then we went bowling for the remainder of the evening. Also, Kyle randomly brought Laura without telling us, so that was a good surprise since I didn’t think I’d get to see her at all. (I will jump for joy when that girl FINALLY gets her drivers license. I hope she reads this.)

Tuesday: Got up early to finally finish my school schedule/go to lunch with Nancy. We drove out to BFE a.k.a. Meridian and sat with Dana in her new coffee shop for a while and talked for a couple hours. Then Nance and I went out to eat some mexican food in eagle before I had to be downtown at 6pm for an…. appointment. Jack came with us and we ended up seeing a movie after that. Public Enemies.. mmmm, Johnny Depp =]

Wednesday: Jack was my only ride this day so I got up and we went to Starbucks together. Shortly after that I ended up going bowling (again), ate sushi, and then lost my Iceberg virginity. Later on I visited Jack’s family in Nampa and learned how to play pool. Then Jack and I went shopping at a few stores to try to find a boat for him to take on the river. It was quite the eventful day.

Thursday: Aubrie left for work early this morning, and I got locked out of the house. I was running around contacting neighbors/trying to find a spare key/testing garage codes/trying to find an open window. It was really hot, and I was afraid I was going to still be outside by the time Jack was supposed to pick me up to float the river. It was a little insane but it all worked out. I floated the river with Jack, his cousin Jacob, and Jacob’s girlfriend Talia. It was a lot of fun because Jacob and Talia are pretty entertaining. That day Laura was supposed to come float with us too but she ended up having to babysit. However, we did get to see her afterward because her friend Julie gave her a ride to come eat dinner with me, Jack, Jacob and his girlfriend at a restaurant in Hyde Park. Dinner was alright, but it was good to see Laura! And Julie! I am always grateful to see Laura because last time I didn’t get to see her at all.

Friday: I was going to float the river this day too but plans fell apart and it was my last full day in Boise so Aubrie and I just went downtown and shopped at BoDo for a while. We went back to Eagle and had a quick lunch before she had to be back to work for the rest of the night and I had to print my plane ticket to get a good seat (I have such an obsession with being the FIRST to print out my ticket so I get to seat first. I know, i’m weird.) Soon after, Jack picked me up and we went to the mall for a while before meeting up with Charissa at yet, another Starbucks. We stayed there for a while and then picked up Aubrie to come cosmic bowling at Westy’s.

All in all it was an alright trip. I go home in about 12 hours. I wish I could’ve done more or just had one more day to be here. I don’t know why I am still up, but I should be doing laundry. I am going to miss everyone here, and am a little disappointed that I didn’t get to see a few people at all, and only got to see some for small amounts of time. Next time I will remember to pack my car because it would’ve made life a hell of a lot easier if I could just drive myself around. My mind keeps running off with things I need to remember. I hope I will have enough room to pack up all the shit I bought while I was here. I really need to do laundry. I’m tired. I hope Jack returns the paddles. I miss my dog and my family! I will miss everyone here in Idaho! It is so nice here, and so pretty. Everything is green and the weather is not too hot. Ahh I wish Arizona wasn’t so bloody hot and I don’t want to go back to Starbucks. Ugh, that is going to suck. I miss my friends there though, and am a little upset that Ryan will be moving soon. Oh, there is a lot coming up soon. Also, going back to school is going to be interesting. Now i’m just rambling, so I think i’m gonna turn this shitty thing off a throw some clothes in the wash. Goodnight.

Back to Dirty, Dry, Awfully-Hot, Boring, Cactus Land tomorrow. Yay.

I just ate the best cereal

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 12:14:49 -0700

I have been neglecting my blog lately. I usually enjoy writing idiotic/meaningless posts about the hilarity/annoyances of my day at work or my day in general, but lately I’ve found myself ridiculously busy. Most of it is because I have worked for the past… EVERY day that I can remember and my sleep schedule is kind of odd, so I don’t give myself a big chunk of time to get anything done.

I do this weird thing where when I know i’m going out of town soon I make this lengthy list of all the things I need to get done. Then I take that list and prioritize all the items on that list, in order, on a separate list. It’s very strange, but helps me stay on task. I am like a kindergartener who absolutely cannot stay attentive or on task and will meander around with toys (my computer/any sort of art i feel like making) unless something of authority (my prioritized list) dictates to me otherwise.

I hate this! I stress myself out too much. And on top of all of this I have to schedule in workouts. Gah!

Really, my life is not this bad. I know I sound like a cynical person, but in a twisted way I try to find the humor in the annoying parts of life, that way they’re not as annoying and more easy to take on.

I was talking to my parents last night, and my mom was telling me and my dad a story about someone she’s aquainted with through her work. In a nutshell, she knows a family that is BRAND NEW to Tucson. The wife just recently had a baby (recently as in the past 3 months), and has another young child. The husband just got hired as a doctor at UMC hospital and a few days ago the wife just randomly collapsed. They called the paramedics and after getting into the ambulance they lost her and revived her FOUR times because her heart was enlarged and not functioning normally. She is now in a coma and was found to have an infection in her uterus and appendix. Later on, she started having lung complications and now the doctors don’t know the main cause of all of the infections or if she has more that they can’t detect at the moment. Meanwhile, she is STILL in a coma.

My mom said that the husband of this family has a lot of faith that his wife will be ok and has found alot of blessings in this unfortunate situation;

- there happened to be a heart doctor on board the ambulance to help revive her when her heart quit several times
- doctors don’t think she has suffered any brain damage
- while in a coma, the wife can show response when told “blink if you can hear us talk” and she can move her eyelids.
- their LDS church is helping the family with taking care of her newborn baby and small child and accommodating them with food and other needs.

My point of this story is that when we think our lives are tough, or annoying, or boring, or hard, they’re really not. People suffer from catastrophic situations every day and we’re lucky that it’s not happening to us. This family doesn’t know anybody here, has 2 children including the brand new baby, the husband works full time as a doctor, and the mother of those children is in a coma and was saved from death four times.

For me, nothing is worthy of a complaint when I hear a story like this.

http://Flickr.com/HEYKIDTHANKS

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 23:46:20 -0700

http://Flickr.com/HEYKIDTHANKS:

I finally uploaded my photography onto Flickr. It’s been my goal since…..

January.

Feel free to have a looksie.

---

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 23:11:07 -0700

i am feeling really inspired and design-ey and either want to write something fantastic or create something even more fantastic, but i really need to go to bed because i need ten hours of sleep because I feel like i’m getting sick.

i got home from work and i really hate long days at work. i suck it up and do it anyway, but i hate those days when you get scheduled in the morning and don’t get out until late evening and i just feel like it wastes the whole day; you can’t really do anything before that, and you can’t do much after.

man, every time i get up off of this stool i get an enormous headache. if i sit down, it almost completely goes away but then i always find a reason to have to get up again. i don’t know if i’ll get sick or not but this is usually how it is for me right before i catch something.

i feel really wobbly.

for some reason i fight being tired. i don’t know why, i just hate sleeping. i feel like there’s more that i need to do and finish and experience and i just can’t get it all done if i sleep.

i really want root beer. sarah brought some into work today and it was just so awesome. i hadn’t had tasty, non-diet, extra fizzy soda —let alone root beer in forever. i used to dislike root beer but today it was just so good. also, ice cubes at home are just not the same as the ice from work. it’s incomparable. i was trying to make an extra icey cup of diet coke but it just didn’t have the same effect or tasty goodness that it does when you use home-refrigerator-ice. i was sorta bummed.

i haven’t been to the gym really in 3 days. i feel so fat when i do that. i made so much progress within the last month, working out twice a day. i lost three pounds and noticeably toned a lot of muscle, but what matters more is the fact that my self-esteem skyrocketed from it. working out makes me feel better overall, but i just feel so tired lately.

i’m creating a Flickr account to showcase all of my photography. i have a large and exponentially growing archive of all my photos that i’d like to share. i’ll post a link up soon.

i’m going to bed i guess, i don’t really feel so great.

"The truly painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said, and never explained."

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 22:00:28 -0700

“The truly painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said, and never explained.”